SKETCH: To Catch a Predator [2008]

TO CATCH A PREDATOR

Scene: a parody of the popular Dateline segment on American TV. OTT graphics of its title burst onto the screen before our HOST, a slick thirty-something U.S. journalist, narrates to the camera while walking along.

HOST
More dangerous than drugs and more hazardous than violent entertainment, online paedophiles are the latest threat to our childrens’ safety. Even though internet service providers now offer the latest hi-tech software in a bid to maximise parental control, online messaging services and social networking sites provide these predators with yet another portal into your child’s panties.

We see a close-up of a teenage girl’s Myspace page and suggestive messages being exchanged on an MSN conversation while the HOST continues speaking over the images.

HOST
(V.O.)
Using the facade of a precocious 12-year-old, we’ve setup a Myspace profile featuring contact details and other key information a predator might use to try and grab himself a piece of tween action. Sure enough, within seconds of the page going live, her inbox is being flooded with requests to take part in more than just after-school study sessions. One predator in particular is especially keen to make her acquaintance. However, little does he know that ‘Sweet Baby Jane’ – is actually a forty-two year-old detective named Derek.

Sure enough, we pull out to see the officer behind the sting – a fat, balding bloke stuffing a jam roll into his mouth.

We cut then to various pieces of CCTV footage which show a shadowy-looking FIGURE in a hooded top wandering into a café to meet with a pre-teen GIRL while the narration continues.

HOST
Using real-life jailbait as a decoy, we arrange a meeting between these two potential lovebirds, and pretty soon he’s offering her a lift home under the pretense of getting a fuck. Unbeknownst to him, there’s a surprise in store. Once he sets foot in the house, he’ll be greeted not by the peachy whiff of adolescent quim, but an uncomfortable interview with yours truly.

We see more hidden camera footage of the hooded figure accompanying the girl up the driveway and into her house. As he enters the kitchen, the GIRL leaves and the narration continues as the FIGURE starts to remove his hoodie.

HOST
(V.O.)
The trap is set. As our cheeky young nymphet excuses herself, all that’s left is for me to confront the predator and demand an explanation.

We cut away to behind a screen-door where the HOST is stood waiting with a camera crew. As he ventures out, we cut back to the overhead hidden-camera footage as the FIGURE is still removing his hoodie.

HOST
Excuse me… what do you think you’re doing?

Cutting to the hand-held camera behind the host, we see that the figure is actually THE PREDATOR from the 80s sci-fi classic of the same name. Startled, the creature looks around as he realises that he’s been had.

HOST
Take a seat. Just… take a seat.
(beat)
You tried to lure a twelve-year-old girl into having sex with you here, didn’t you?

The PREDATOR holds up both his hands in an alarmed shrug, as if to say “What? I’m innocent!”

HOST
You went online and tracked down a twelve-year-old girl named Sweet Baby Jane. Here. Take a look at these transcripts.
(handing him a sheet of paper)
Did you write this?

The PREDATOR takes the sheet and glances at it briefly, before putting both hands over his face and shaking his head in shame.

HOST
What was going through your mind…?

The PREDATOR lets out a pathetic growl as he shakes his head.

PREDATOR
Hurrrr…

FIN.

C.C. 28/01/08