FADE UP:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
ANGLE - a typically nondescript corporate working environment.
SIDE ANGLE – slow zoom in on KEVIN DAWSON, a mousy-looking office worker in his late-20s. He wears glasses and a short-sleeved shirt & tie combo most probably chosen by his mother.
FRONT ANGLE - while computer keyboards clack away in the background, KEVIN gazes through a line of superhero action figures blue-tacked to the ledge of his cubicle as he gazes at an incredibly BEAUTIFUL GIRL across the office.
ANGLE – the BEAUTIFUL GIRL doesn’t notice his lovelorn gaze.
ANGLE – KEVIN’s concentration is broken by two Jock-like, bullying MALE COLLEAGUES who appear behind him in designer suits & ties.
- Yeah, dream on, Dorkson!
KEVIN
(flustered, backtracking)
Um... I don’t know what you’re...
COLLEAGUE #2
As if. She’s way out of your league, man. You’re, like, ten rungs down the ladder on that food-chain. You’re not even fit to ask her the time of day, Dorkson...
KEVIN
Um, it’s, it’s Dawson, or, or Kevin, I...
COLLEAGUE #2
Yeah, whatever, Dorkson... did you finish that report yet?
KEVIN
Um... I’m not quite done imputing all the data, but I’ll be finished by three.
COLLEAGUE #1
Better make it one, buddy - we needed it, like, yesterday...
KEVIN
I’ll try.
COLLEAGUE #2
You’ll do it, pal. Or we’ll see your ass in the parking lot after work...
Yeah. Got your little action figures there, Dorkson...?
He flicks a figurine of Batman off the ledge and the pair laughs to themselves as they walk away.
ANGLE - a humiliated KEVIN gingerly ambles round to the other side of the desk and stoops to pick up the action figure. He steals an embarrassed glance at the BEAUTIFUL GIRL...
ANGLE ON BEAUTIFUL GIRL – again, she doesn’t notice him.
CUT TO:
INT. LUNCH ROOM - LATER
KEVIN sits by himself eating a packed lunch (again, most likely prepared for him by his mother). He is reading a comic-book.
C.U. – the panels of the comic. We cut from one static frame to the next as Batman defeats another nemesis to the sound of action-hero sound effects.
ANGLE – KEVIN smiles quietly to himself.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE – LATER
KEVIN returns to his workstation and is about to sit down as we cut to:
C.U. – a piece of string tied to the base of his swivel chair.
ANGLE – we see the two MALE COLLEAGUES yank the string from across the office, causing it to rip away just as KEVIN moves to sit down.
FRONT ANGLE – KEVIN falls backwards onto the floor.
ANGLE – the two MALE COLLEAGUES laugh wildly as they observe his pratfall.
Watch yourself there, Dorkson...
COLLEAGUE #2
You wanna watch it, mate, he might set Superman on you...
ANGLE – an embarrassed KEVIN picks himself up off the floor and moves to retrieve his chair, glancing over in the direction of the BEAUTIFUL GIRL.
ANGLE – the BEAUTIFUL GIRL glances up for the briefest of moments, then goes back to her work.
ANGLE – a clearly upset KEVIN retakes his place at his desk and attempts to keep his head down. His colleagues’ laughter fades to an echo as we cut to:
INT. KEVIN’S BEDROOM – LATE NIGHT
KEVIN is lying in bed in the darkened room, absent-mindedly playing with a torch which projects the Batman insignia onto the ceiling. He flicks the button on and off as he watches it appear, then disappear.
ANGLE on KEVIN - Danny Elfman’s Batman Theme creeps onto the soundtrack as he stares up at the ceiling.
SLOW ZOOM ON CEILING – the logo continues to project in the dark;
C.U. ON KEVIN – his eyes thin slightly as he gazes up at the image;
C.U. ON CEILING – the logo continues to project on the roof;
C.U. ON KEVIN – a moment of epiphany.
C.U. ON CEILING - tight in on the projected logo.
The music then blares to life as we cut to the following shots in rapid succession, enhanced by exaggerated sound effects:
C.U. – a pair of pyjama bottoms covered with the Batman logo are swiftly pulled up over a pair of similarly-decorated boxer shorts;
C.U. – two socks featuring the Batman logo are quickly pulled up over the ankles of the pyjamas;
C.U. – two quick shots of a pair of black Converse All-Stars covered in the Batman logo being pulled on and the laces tightened;
C.U. – a T-shirt with the Batman logo is swiftly pulled down over his chest;
C.U. – a dressing gown featuring a large Batman insignia on the back is pulled on and straightened defiantly;
C.U. – two black leather gloves are quickly pulled on;
C.U. – a rather rubbish imitation of the Batman mask is pulled down over his face.
We then cut to a slowly retreating frontal angle which reveals, in unnecessarily moody lighting, the sheer ridiculousness of his costume: he is covered in Batman paraphernalia from head to toe.
CUT TO:
EXT. KEVIN’S HOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
C.U. – two quick cuts to fins being attached to the top of his Suzuki Alto;
C.U. – car door slamming;
C.U. – gear-stick being engaged;
C.U. – wheels spinning and smoke hissing from tyres;
ANGLE – the back of his car as it pulls away into the night.
Music comes to a triumphant end.
CUT TO:
EXT. STREET – LATE NIGHT
A vulnerable and nervous-looking young WOMAN walks along the street, the sound of her heels echoing eerily against the pavement.
ANGLE - as she passes an ALLEYWAY, something stirs behind her and she is suddenly grabbed from behind by a HOODLUM who covers her mouth and drags her with him.
ANGLE – the HOODLUM pins her against the alley wall, covering her mouth as she attempts to scream. He holds a knife to her throat.
Don’t make a sound. Give me your purse and all your jewellery.
The WOMAN thrashes in protest, but he pushes the knife further into her neck.
Just try me, sweetheart...
At that moment, a rope with several knots tied in it appears at the side of them.
(confused)
What the hell...?
Still dressed as Batman, KEVIN ploddingly abseils down the rope and eventually jumps down onto the floor. While the perplexed HOODLUM and WOMAN look on, KEVIN walks up to the HOODLUM, pushes him weakly and slaps him lightly across the face. Stunned, he releases the WOMAN.
I’m... I’m sorry, I don’t...
The WOMAN beats a hasty retreat behind him.
REVERSE ANGLE - the HOODLUM doesn’t notice her leave, instead staring in bewilderment as KEVIN walks past him to the end of the alley.
ANGLE ON KEVIN:
KEVIN
I’m Batman.
Music strikes to life: Elliot Goldenthal’s Batman Overture.
KEVIN holds his fist out like Superman in flight and triumphantly runs away, leaving the dumbfounded HOODLUM staring after him in bemusement.
The music continues as we cut to BATMAN MONTAGE:
EXT. ROOFTOP – KEVIN girly-slaps repeatedly as he advances towards another stunned THUG, who backs away in confusion.
EXT. BUILDINGS – KEVIN swings into view on a rope, before awkwardly swinging backwards and dangling precariously in mid-air.
EXT. STREET – KEVIN thwarts an attempted mugging by throwing a frisbee at another hapless THUG.
EXT. STREET - a POLICE OFFICER and his cuffed CAPTIVE both look stunned as they stare up at the top of a nearby building. The shadow of KEVIN holds out a triumphant fist and runs away into the night.
CUT TO:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
The music suddenly ceases as we return to everyday life. KEVIN is introvertedly filling out a Spreadsheet at his desk. He looks around nervously as he is startled by some bawdy laughter from the two MALE COLLEAGUES in a conference room.
Attempting to settle back into work, he becomes distracted again by the sight of the BEAUTIFUL GIRL across the room. She is unwrapping her lunch at her desk; she takes a slow bite of an apple and gently wipes away a drop of juice that runs down from the side of her mouth.
ANGLE ON KEVIN – he continues to gaze longingly in her direction, trying not to be noticed.
ANGLE ON BEAUTIFUL GIRL – she opens a small carton of milk, holds it to her mouth and drinks it down.
C.U. on her lips as she pulls the carton away - she runs her tongue slowly over her top lip, before absent-mindedly biting her lower lip.
ANGLE ON KEVIN – he stares intently at her.
ANGLE ON BEAUTIFUL GIRL - she happens to glance over in his direction.
ANGLE ON KEVIN – he looks away quickly in embarrassment, before glancing back up again for just enough time to catch her gaze.
C.U. – the BEAUTIFUL GIRL’s eyes as she looks over at him.
ANGLE on KEVIN – he quickly looks away again.
CUT TO:
SECOND BATMAN MONTAGE – NIGHT
Danny Elfman’s Batman Theme jumps to life again as we cut between the following shots:
EXT. ALLEY – from an upward angle, we see KEVIN’s dressing gown billow dramatically as he descends, before cutting to him flapping about on top of a THUG as he wrestles him from behind.
SPINNING NEWSPAPER – “JUSTICE COMES TO WAKEFIELD!”
EXT. STREET - KEVIN’s legs pedal desperately in an attempt to gain forward momentum as he zips awkwardly along an aerial line.
SPINNING NEWSPAPER – “CRIME RATE FALLS! Masked avenger saves city!”
C.U. – side angle as he slaps a THUG’S FACE lightly.
ANGLE – the THUG hurtles through the air unnecessarily.
C.U. – reverse angle as ANOTHER THUG’S FACE is slapped from the other side by Kevin’s leather glove.
ANGLE – the THUG again goes flying.
C.U. – front angle on THUG’S FACE as he takes a quick one-two-three slap on opposite cheeks.
SPINNING NEWSPAPER – “VIGILANTE STRIKES AGAIN!”
EXT. ALLEYWAY – the music dips slightly as a scruffy-looking THUG looks on in amusement while his friend wrestles with a distressed-looking DAMSEL.
Come on, baby, you and I are going to have some fun!
DAMSEL
(screaming)
- HELP ME!
ANGLE – KEVIN’s Suzuki Alto screeches into view and brakes to a halt.
THUG #2
It’s Batman!
THUG #1
Let’s get out of here!
KEVIN steps out of the car and walks towards them. As they run away down the alley, KEVIN picks up a nearby piece of scrunched-up trash and throws it after them.
(in the distance)
God help us...!
(to DAMSEL)
Sorry about that, ma’am.
He turns to leave.
- Wait!
She grabs him and kisses him passionately. He fumbles awkwardly before she releases him and he moves back towards his vehicle.
DAMSEL
- Call me!
(beat)
Is it the car?
He motions to the crappy-looking Suzuki Alto.
Chicks love the car.
C.U. – door slamming.
C.U. - keys turning in ignition.
C.U. - exhaust pipe sputtering.
C.U. – wheel spinning.
ANGLE – the car pulls away.
ANGLE – the WOMAN’s impressed face: wowee, zowee!
Music ends as we cut to:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
FRONT ANGLE - KEVIN is staring forlornly once again at the oblivious BEAUTIFUL GIRL over the ledge of his cubicle. His view is suddenly blocked by the backs of his MALE COLLEAGUES as they step in front of him.
REVERSE ANGLE – KEVIN’s P-O-V looking up:
(holding up a sprig of holly)
Hey, Dorkson. Bringing your mistletoe to the office party tonight?
COLLEAGUE #2
(sneering, motioning across office)
Yeah. Maybe that “special someone” ’ll let you get to first base...
COLLEAGUE #1
(glancing over at her)
Ha! As if. Better get in line, son – there won’t be anything left by the time we’ve finished with her!
COLLEAGUE #2
(knocking over all his figurines)
Catch you later, Dorkson...
ANGLE ON KEVIN – he looks down in embarrassment as they leave, then glances over at the BEAUTIFUL GIRL.
ANGLE ON BEAUTIFUL GIRL – her image gradually becomes a blur as we fade to:
EXT. OFFICE PARKING LOT - NIGHT
The lights are on in the building upstairs, and the sound of a party can be heard emanating from inside.
The two MALE COLLEAGUES emerge from the premises with two tipsy-looking women on their arms.
I feel funny...
Oh, that’s just the mix of the punch, love, nothing to worry about...
He looks over at MALE COLLEAGUE #2 and winks knowingly at him. They share a look of smug recognition.
Why was mine blue?!
(playfully)
Are you trying something...?!
MALE COLLEAGUE #2
Ladies! As if we would ever seek to exploit your dignity. Now! Let’s see what’s underneath that Gucci...
WOMAN #1
(brushing him off)
I don’t feel well...
MALE COLLEAGUE #1
(to his friend)
Well, I feel just fine...
WOMAN #2
Wait... what’s that...?
The Batman Overture strikes to life as a shape appears in the shadows: KEVIN dressed as Batman. The WOMEN skitter away as the two MALE COLLEAGUES strain to make out the image.
MALE COLLEAGUE #2
Is that... Dorkson...?!
MALE COLLEAGUE #1
Dorkson?! What are you doing here? And why are you dressed in your pyjamas?!
KEVIN
I’m not Dorkson. I’m Batman. And I’m here to take out the trash...
Just as he reaches for a plastic gun on his utility belt, we hear the cracking of a whip.
(O.S.)
- Wait.
CATWOMAN
These bozos are mine.
She awkwardly cartwheels and makes various failed attempts to back-flip towards the two COLLEAGUES, flailing her makeshift whip around all the while. They back away as she approaches, not quite knowing what to make of the situation as she hits both of them repeatedly with it.
Ow, that... that stings! Stop it!
COLLEAGUE #2
Ow! That really hurts!
COLLEAGUE #1
Stop it, you’re – ruining my shirt! Oh, God, let’s get out of here!
COLLEAGUE #2
Let’s never talk of this.
(running away)
You too, Dorkson! Code of silence! Amongst men, and all that...?!
ANGLE ON CATWOMAN as she watches them leave.
- Meow.
She cartwheels awkwardly back towards KEVIN and they stand facing each other. Her face is still partially obscured by the shadows.
KEVIN
- Who are you?
CATWOMAN
I’m Catwoman. Who are you?
KEVIN
I’m Batman.
CATWOMAN
(beat)
...Cool.
There is a brief pause as they stare at each other, before she lowers her face slightly into the light and we finally see her eyes purring playfully up at him from beneath her mask: they are clearly those of the BEAUTIFUL GIRL from the office.
She licks her top lip slowly, then smiles as she coyly bites her lower lip at him.
C.U. on KEVIN as BATMAN – his eyes light up, and the sides of his mouth curl into a smile of recognition.
CUT TO:
MISTY BLUE BACKDROP
Danny Elfman’s reprise of the Batman Theme starts up.
In slow motion, we see the silhouettes of the makeshift BATMAN and CATWOMAN running towards the camera. His dressing gown flaps gracelessly in the breeze and his mask wobbles on top of his head as he advances; she falters halfway as she attempts another awkward cartwheel.
CUT TO BLACK.
Roll credits.
C.C. 29/11/09
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