SKETCH: Bureaucracy Gone Haywire [2008]

BUREAUCRACY GONE HAYWIRE

Scene: a LANDFILL full of trash.

A MAN in work-gear takes a piece of chewing gum out of his mouth and throws it on the floor as he is walking along. Moments later, a smartly-dressed PEDANT sporting a fluorescent jacket and a side-parting appears and calls after him.

PEDANT
Excuse me, mate. Dropped some, ah, dropped some litter back there.

MAN
(looking around, confused)
What, are you…?

He points at himself as if to say, “Are you talking to me?”

PEDANT
…Some, er, some litter? You dropped it back there.

MAN
(beat, perplexed)
Yeah, well, it’s, uh, it’s a garbage heap?

PEDANT
- Sorry?

MAN
It’s a garbage heap. It’s, er… a massive landfill.

PEDANT
Yeah, sorry mate, but rules are rules. I’m gonna have to write you up for that.

MAN
…What are you talking about?

PEDANT
That’s a public order offence. Littering. It’s a hundred-pound fine, I’m afraid.

MAN
But it’s a fucking shit-heap! Everything here is all litter! Look…
(rummaging on floor, picking things up)
…used johnny over there. Look at this: plastic dog toy. What about that?
(inspecting piece of trash)
Could be anything. Possibly a dead bird…

PEDANT
(getting out notepad)
Sorry mate, it’s regulations. I can’t do anything about it.

MAN
Look, give it a rest, this is ridiculous…

PEDANT
(indignant)
…er, I think you’ll find that it’s actually needless refuse that’s ridiculous, sir, so please don’t get tetchy …

MAN
This is absolute bollocks…

PEDANT
- Can I have your name please, sir?

MAN
Want my name? You want my name? Here’s my name –
(shows him the middle finger)
Yeah. That’s my name. Shall I spell it for you? Here.

He holds up both middle fingers and childishly flaunts them at him one after the other.

PEDANT
(beat, unfazed)
…Is that your first name or your second?

MAN
Oh, bugger this, I’m going. Here. Take your ticket, yeah? Your crappy little ticket?
(he grabs it and screws it up)
Show it up your arse.

He makes to hand the ticket to the PEDANT but instead drops it on the floor and walks off.

PEDANT
(beat)
Excuse me, sir… Sir?
(beat)
…Are you going to pick that up…?
(following after him)
Sir…?

FIN.

C.C. 23/01/08