There’s a woman gone missing down by the canal;
I saw it on ITV News.
So I got out my smartphone and went to help out -
and now I’ve got 10 million views.
I’ve love to admit that my motives were pure,
and I want to discover the truth;
But the fact is, I watched some true-crime shit on Netflix
and now I’m an amateur sleuth.
“Do you think the Dad did it? Was it the dog?
The police now are under suspicion…!”
Of course, finding the answer’s the mootest of points;
To raise my own profile’s the mission.
So I pore over the details of Nicola’s life,
like whether she’s had HRT.
But when all’s turned to dust, I’m not really that fussed
’Cos it’s not about her - it’s about me.
“Now sound the alarm, ’cos I went to the barn,
and discovered an old piece of plywood…!”
I don’t care if it’s true – I’ve said it’s a clue;
and now my viewcount has rocketed skyward.
“The cops came and found me. Now I’ve been arrested!
It’s surely proof of conspiracy….!”
MATE. Your moronic pretence is disturbing forensics,
destroying the fucking crime scene…!
“Well, I’m not a professional, much less an expert;
I represent the curious majority.”
That being the case, shut the hole in your face -
there’s a reason you have no authority…!
It shouldn’t need to be mentioned, ’cos it defies comprehension
there are those making hay from her name.
And if your intervention is for ‘Likes’ or attention,
then you should be fucking ashamed.
When you trot theories out to enhance your own clout,
It’s an exercise in nothing but vanity.
Territorial pissing, while a person’s still missing –
and you’ve lost sight of your basic humanity.
Unable to contribute anything of worth,
and no chance that you’ll ever join MENSA…?
Then why not just sign up to Instagram?
You too could be an influencer!
So put on a bib, warm up a plate,
and devour the shit that they’re feeding ya
When idiot people with nothing to say
put it all out on their social media.
“My followers have gone to 6 million from zero,
And now I’m a legend on TikTok!”
I’ll tell you what, pal – that don’t make you a hero;
Just a sadcase, a pox, and a dick.
…Cock.
C.C. 22/2/23
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