SKETCH: "And Justice For All" [2011]

AND JUSTICE FOR ALL

Scene: a COURTROOM.

A JUDGE presides over the sentencing of a defendant, GARY GLITTER, who is dressed in full spangly 70s regalia.

JUDGE
Mr Glitter, you forced yourself onto literally hundreds of underage girls.
Do you deny this?

GLITTER
No, your honour. But, in my defence, I did write Rock & Roll Part II,
which was an absolute choon.

JUDGE
I see. Not guilty.
(hammering gavel, to BAILIFF)
Next case, schmucko!

FIN.

C.C. 19/11/11

SKETCH: "That's Not So Good, Al." [2006]

"That's Not So Good, Al."

Scene: a building with the sign ‘G.U.M. CLINIC’ at the top.

The main cast of HAPPY DAYS – RICHIE, POTSIE, RALPH, AL, MARION, HOWARD and JOANIE - greet FONZIE as he steps out of the front door.

ALL
(together, enthusiastically)
How’d it go, Fonz?

FONZIE
(two thumbs up)
- “AAAAAAAAIIIIIDDDDSSSS…!”

Awkward pause. His head drops.

FIN.

C.C. 29/08/06

SKETCH: To Catch a Predator [2008]

TO CATCH A PREDATOR

Scene: a parody of the popular Dateline segment on American TV. OTT graphics of its title burst onto the screen before our HOST, a slick thirty-something U.S. journalist, narrates to the camera while walking along.

HOST
More dangerous than drugs and more hazardous than violent entertainment, online paedophiles are the latest threat to our childrens’ safety. Even though internet service providers now offer the latest hi-tech software in a bid to maximise parental control, online messaging services and social networking sites provide these predators with yet another portal into your child’s panties.

We see a close-up of a teenage girl’s Myspace page and suggestive messages being exchanged on an MSN conversation while the HOST continues speaking over the images.

HOST
(V.O.)
Using the facade of a precocious 12-year-old, we’ve setup a Myspace profile featuring contact details and other key information a predator might use to try and grab himself a piece of tween action. Sure enough, within seconds of the page going live, her inbox is being flooded with requests to take part in more than just after-school study sessions. One predator in particular is especially keen to make her acquaintance. However, little does he know that ‘Sweet Baby Jane’ – is actually a forty-two year-old detective named Derek.

Sure enough, we pull out to see the officer behind the sting – a fat, balding bloke stuffing a jam roll into his mouth.

We cut then to various pieces of CCTV footage which show a shadowy-looking FIGURE in a hooded top wandering into a café to meet with a pre-teen GIRL while the narration continues.

HOST
Using real-life jailbait as a decoy, we arrange a meeting between these two potential lovebirds, and pretty soon he’s offering her a lift home under the pretense of getting a fuck. Unbeknownst to him, there’s a surprise in store. Once he sets foot in the house, he’ll be greeted not by the peachy whiff of adolescent quim, but an uncomfortable interview with yours truly.

We see more hidden camera footage of the hooded figure accompanying the girl up the driveway and into her house. As he enters the kitchen, the GIRL leaves and the narration continues as the FIGURE starts to remove his hoodie.

HOST
(V.O.)
The trap is set. As our cheeky young nymphet excuses herself, all that’s left is for me to confront the predator and demand an explanation.

We cut away to behind a screen-door where the HOST is stood waiting with a camera crew. As he ventures out, we cut back to the overhead hidden-camera footage as the FIGURE is still removing his hoodie.

HOST
Excuse me… what do you think you’re doing?

Cutting to the hand-held camera behind the host, we see that the figure is actually THE PREDATOR from the 80s sci-fi classic of the same name. Startled, the creature looks around as he realises that he’s been had.

HOST
Take a seat. Just… take a seat.
(beat)
You tried to lure a twelve-year-old girl into having sex with you here, didn’t you?

The PREDATOR holds up both his hands in an alarmed shrug, as if to say “What? I’m innocent!”

HOST
You went online and tracked down a twelve-year-old girl named Sweet Baby Jane. Here. Take a look at these transcripts.
(handing him a sheet of paper)
Did you write this?

The PREDATOR takes the sheet and glances at it briefly, before putting both hands over his face and shaking his head in shame.

HOST
What was going through your mind…?

The PREDATOR lets out a pathetic growl as he shakes his head.

PREDATOR
Hurrrr…

FIN.

C.C. 28/01/08

SKETCH: Bureaucracy Gone Haywire [2008]

BUREAUCRACY GONE HAYWIRE

Scene: a LANDFILL full of trash.

A MAN in work-gear takes a piece of chewing gum out of his mouth and throws it on the floor as he is walking along. Moments later, a smartly-dressed PEDANT sporting a fluorescent jacket and a side-parting appears and calls after him.

PEDANT
Excuse me, mate. Dropped some, ah, dropped some litter back there.

MAN
(looking around, confused)
What, are you…?

He points at himself as if to say, “Are you talking to me?”

PEDANT
…Some, er, some litter? You dropped it back there.

MAN
(beat, perplexed)
Yeah, well, it’s, uh, it’s a garbage heap?

PEDANT
- Sorry?

MAN
It’s a garbage heap. It’s, er… a massive landfill.

PEDANT
Yeah, sorry mate, but rules are rules. I’m gonna have to write you up for that.

MAN
…What are you talking about?

PEDANT
That’s a public order offence. Littering. It’s a hundred-pound fine, I’m afraid.

MAN
But it’s a fucking shit-heap! Everything here is all litter! Look…
(rummaging on floor, picking things up)
…used johnny over there. Look at this: plastic dog toy. What about that?
(inspecting piece of trash)
Could be anything. Possibly a dead bird…

PEDANT
(getting out notepad)
Sorry mate, it’s regulations. I can’t do anything about it.

MAN
Look, give it a rest, this is ridiculous…

PEDANT
(indignant)
…er, I think you’ll find that it’s actually needless refuse that’s ridiculous, sir, so please don’t get tetchy …

MAN
This is absolute bollocks…

PEDANT
- Can I have your name please, sir?

MAN
Want my name? You want my name? Here’s my name –
(shows him the middle finger)
Yeah. That’s my name. Shall I spell it for you? Here.

He holds up both middle fingers and childishly flaunts them at him one after the other.

PEDANT
(beat, unfazed)
…Is that your first name or your second?

MAN
Oh, bugger this, I’m going. Here. Take your ticket, yeah? Your crappy little ticket?
(he grabs it and screws it up)
Show it up your arse.

He makes to hand the ticket to the PEDANT but instead drops it on the floor and walks off.

PEDANT
(beat)
Excuse me, sir… Sir?
(beat)
…Are you going to pick that up…?
(following after him)
Sir…?

FIN.

C.C. 23/01/08

SKETCH: Hopeless Romantic [2008]

HOPELESS ROMANTIC

Scene: a living-room. We see a polite-looking middle-class MAN sat waiting patiently on a settee, his hands folded in his lap. In front of him is a coffee-table, on which there is an elaborate basket of flowers, together with a large greeting-card with a big red heart on the front. Next to them sits a wedding-ring.

From upstairs, we can hear the sound of VIGOROUS FUCKING. Both male and female voices cry out in violent ecstasy for what seems like an age while the feet of the bed bang repeatedly against the ceiling. At one point, a little bit of plaster falls from the roof, causing him a moment's distraction before he goes back to waiting contentedly.

After a particularly loud finish, we hear the sound of footsteps clumping down the stairs and see a bedraggled-looking, half-dressed WOMAN smack the arse of a massive BIKER as she lets him out the front door.

As she enters the living-room, she lights up a cigarette, stuffs the wedding ring back on her finger and slumps inelegantly down onto the other sofa. The MAN looks keenly at her while she drags on the cigarette and splutters a hacking cough. Eventually she becomes distracted by him watching her and pipes up in a gruff voice.

WOMAN
- What?!

There is a pause before the MAN hopefully responds.

MAN
Happy Anniversary, dear…

There is another pause while she eyes him disgust and stubs out her cigarette.

WOMAN
(getting up to leave)
- Fuck off…

Unfazed and apparently uncomprehending, he continues to sit forward on the edge of the sofa, his face fixed in an expression of misguided optimism.

FIN.

C.C. 25/01/08

SKETCH: The Drink'll Kill You [2006]

THE DRINK’LL KILL YOU

Scene: an upstairs toilet in a Wetherspoon’s pub. Two YOUNG MEN in their mid-20s stand washing their hands and checking their appearance in the mirror.

As they finish up, both head for the door at the same time. The FIRST MAN holds it open for the SECOND MAN and he nods in acknowledgement as he walks through.

Out in the hallway, there are two doors emblazoned with placards. The first reads “BACK TO PUB”. The second reads “FIERY DEATH”.

Without thinking, the SECOND MAN casually barges through the door marked “Fiery Death”, only to be consumed by an inferno and die screaming in agony as the flames lick out into the hallway.

The FIRST MAN frowns for a moment upon witnessing this before nonchalantly pushing open the door marked “Back to Pub”.

FIN.

C.C. 29/03/06

SKETCH: At the Races [2008]

AT THE RACES

TV footage of a race-track appears as the final horses take their place within the starting pen.

TV PRESENTER
(V.O.)
"All of that to look forward to later on, but it’s over now to Peter and John for the start of the third. "

COMMENTATOR
(deadpan, without pausing)
"Thanks very much Anne, you join us at Chepstowe for the 12:15, all the runners in fine form this morning, Second Mortgage the two-to-one favourite here today with an odds-on tie for second place between Cheeky Little Flutter and Don’t Tell The Wife.

- And they’re off! A ravaging start here with eight of the ten runners gaining speed as they fly out of the pen. It’s Family Allowance Blunder in the front, Leftovers For Tea Again in second and No Birthday For Johnny bringing up the rear. Thundering towards the bend, it’s Send In The Bailiffs who sneaks an early lead, Squander The Inheritance not far behind him and Third Failed Marriage set to take the bronze. But coming into the straight now it’s Second Mortgage hammering away down the right-hand side, Broken Dreams following close behind him and Don’t Bet The Farm coming up from the back.

– Oh, but here’s You’ve Won Fuck-All going great guns on the outside, it looks like it’s going to be a close call between the three leaders as we thunder towards the post but it’s Second Mortgage who takes it, Broken Dreams not far behind, and in third place, You’ve… Won… Fuck… All. "

FIN.

C.C. 25/01/08